The friends I grew up with are all either graduated from college with their Bachelor's Degrees, married and having babies, or buying their own houses. I'm back at home, just now getting back to school to earn my Associates Degree and definitely not getting married... considering I just lost the guy I've been with for forever.
But listen to this... him and I have talked for the past 2 weeks, going on 3. The only contact I've had during this time was a text message that said "I want to be alone." A text message that of course made me the happiest girl in the world.
NOT!
I was a crying maniac!!! Who does that?! A one-liner... through a text message?! I can't get over how fucking crazy that is... Hmph.
Then after trying to get back to the daily grind and get back to just being me... trying to learn and take baby steps towards being that independent woman everyone thinks I am... he sends me a message. One of my former best friends who is now semi-related to Ex had a baby today. I grew up with her and have known her since I was 8. As of 3 years ago or so, when Ex and I broke up, her brother married Ex's sister. Great, huh? So of course Ex's sister said terrible things of me and my former best friend was now her best friend... Awesome.
Anyway, so the former BFF had her bebe. Ex sent me a picture. And again... I couldn't help but feel lonely, angry and just mad at the world.
I mean, I understand I did wrong... when I was 19. Would I do it again? NO! NEVER! Not after feeling so disgusted and seeing Ex so heartbroken. Some people say "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Stupid fools. Things change and like me... you learn and you work hard to prove your love in the end... It just sucks that one silly mistake can ruin everything. For that... I'm sorry...
But I don't know. I'm just bitter. You have a house. She has a husband. They have a baby. I have... shit.
It's so sad.
On the plus side, I was asked out on a date. I said no. But it was still kind of a good feeling to know I still have some hint of attractiveness.
So now... I'll get back to watching my bootleg movie online and sipping my wine.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
She Starts Over... Again.
That's me.
To get you up to date and on the same page as I am... I'll fill you in with a little history.
I am 23 years old and I've been in an on-again-off-again relationship since I was 15. During our off times (always because of him), I've dated other guys here and there but never fell in love and was never over Ex. They were more like dates... because I was bored and because friends pushed me into blind dates.
Now here's the truth that my friends and family don't even know. I cheated on him when I was 19. 6 times after he broke up with me, we got back together... and I cheated on him with an old high school acquaintance that I connected with through the internet. I told Ex the truth and he broke up with me again. Knowing that I did wrong, I let it go and didn't bother him. 6 months later, Ex and I got back together and then broke up. Mind you... the reason we broke up all of these times (for a maximum of 2 weeks each time - with the exception of the 6 months period) was because his sister and his best friend HATED me.
His best friend is a girl... very attractive and very social... also very smart. Quite intimidating I guess. I never had any issues against her and only wanted to be her friend but not get in the way of Ex and her, of course. Because she hated me and she rules their circle of friends, Ex's sister hated me too. Go figure.
Anyway, back to the getting back together after 6 months thing... we were happy go-lucky and trying to just forgive each other. Then... he broke up with me... again. This is after about 5 years and the umpteenth time he called it quits.
I lived in an apartment with a new roommate and she would take me out to bars and lounges. I ran into a childhood friend of mine and we immediately hit it off. I thought I was finally over Ex because thoughts of him hardly came to my mind. It was suddenly all about New Guy. So NG and I started hanging out and talking more and more.
It turned into a relationship.
NG and I dated for 3 months and I did not speak to Ex for that time period. NG and I realized we had different goals and actually a significant difference in our view of life so we called it off.
That's when Ex came back into the picture.
At the time, Ex and I were just messing around and... doing foolish things together. Lo and behold... he had a girlfriend. An out of state girlfriend, but a girlfriend nonetheless.
So that ended. Again.
When he ended it with his girl of the moment, we were back together. I basically lived in his house this time. My stuff was there, he bought me my own toiletries for his bathroom and I'd sleep there almost every night. We went on vacations together. 3 in 1 year. He re-introduced me to his family and his sister and I actually started spending more time together... even without him there.
It was great!
I think the first time in a long that I was happy.
Then I got drunk. With him.
I took him out to a show for a date night and we had an ok time. On the way home, we got in a little argument and I blew it out of proportion being intoxicated and all. We had to stop and get gas halfway before getting to his house form the show venue. He walked out of the car to make a phone call and I pumped the gas. All I really remember was that I had the keys and he pissed me off for walking away to talk on the phone instead of talking around me. Why the need to be so secretive?!
So...
I left him. I turned the car on and drove around the corner (maybe a minute's drive). I thought I could teach him a lesson that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. I mean... since the time we got back together after I cheated on him (stupidly), I've been giving him 110% to make up for it and show him that I do and always have loved him and only him. That night... I guess it just crossed the line.
By the time I stopped and a stop sign and turned back around to get him, he was gone. He started walking and refused to get in the car. I followed up with my hazard lights on and begged for him to get in the car. He still refused.
I stopped on the side of the road and ran out of my car to follow him.
He still refused.
He called his sister, knowing that I'm already walking on eggshells to be on ok terms with her, and had her pick him up. So she did. Since then... things have been even more rocky. 3 months passed and all we did was talk over the phone or send silly emails to each other. But then we got back together and decided to try this again.
Now... fast forwarding to the present day... he breaks it off by hanging up on me while he's drinking with his friends... and text messaging me 4 days later that he "wants be alone."
Bastard.
To get you up to date and on the same page as I am... I'll fill you in with a little history.
I am 23 years old and I've been in an on-again-off-again relationship since I was 15. During our off times (always because of him), I've dated other guys here and there but never fell in love and was never over Ex. They were more like dates... because I was bored and because friends pushed me into blind dates.
Now here's the truth that my friends and family don't even know. I cheated on him when I was 19. 6 times after he broke up with me, we got back together... and I cheated on him with an old high school acquaintance that I connected with through the internet. I told Ex the truth and he broke up with me again. Knowing that I did wrong, I let it go and didn't bother him. 6 months later, Ex and I got back together and then broke up. Mind you... the reason we broke up all of these times (for a maximum of 2 weeks each time - with the exception of the 6 months period) was because his sister and his best friend HATED me.
His best friend is a girl... very attractive and very social... also very smart. Quite intimidating I guess. I never had any issues against her and only wanted to be her friend but not get in the way of Ex and her, of course. Because she hated me and she rules their circle of friends, Ex's sister hated me too. Go figure.
Anyway, back to the getting back together after 6 months thing... we were happy go-lucky and trying to just forgive each other. Then... he broke up with me... again. This is after about 5 years and the umpteenth time he called it quits.
I lived in an apartment with a new roommate and she would take me out to bars and lounges. I ran into a childhood friend of mine and we immediately hit it off. I thought I was finally over Ex because thoughts of him hardly came to my mind. It was suddenly all about New Guy. So NG and I started hanging out and talking more and more.
It turned into a relationship.
NG and I dated for 3 months and I did not speak to Ex for that time period. NG and I realized we had different goals and actually a significant difference in our view of life so we called it off.
That's when Ex came back into the picture.
At the time, Ex and I were just messing around and... doing foolish things together. Lo and behold... he had a girlfriend. An out of state girlfriend, but a girlfriend nonetheless.
So that ended. Again.
When he ended it with his girl of the moment, we were back together. I basically lived in his house this time. My stuff was there, he bought me my own toiletries for his bathroom and I'd sleep there almost every night. We went on vacations together. 3 in 1 year. He re-introduced me to his family and his sister and I actually started spending more time together... even without him there.
It was great!
I think the first time in a long that I was happy.
Then I got drunk. With him.
I took him out to a show for a date night and we had an ok time. On the way home, we got in a little argument and I blew it out of proportion being intoxicated and all. We had to stop and get gas halfway before getting to his house form the show venue. He walked out of the car to make a phone call and I pumped the gas. All I really remember was that I had the keys and he pissed me off for walking away to talk on the phone instead of talking around me. Why the need to be so secretive?!
So...
I left him. I turned the car on and drove around the corner (maybe a minute's drive). I thought I could teach him a lesson that I don't deserve to be treated like dirt. I mean... since the time we got back together after I cheated on him (stupidly), I've been giving him 110% to make up for it and show him that I do and always have loved him and only him. That night... I guess it just crossed the line.
By the time I stopped and a stop sign and turned back around to get him, he was gone. He started walking and refused to get in the car. I followed up with my hazard lights on and begged for him to get in the car. He still refused.
I stopped on the side of the road and ran out of my car to follow him.
He still refused.
He called his sister, knowing that I'm already walking on eggshells to be on ok terms with her, and had her pick him up. So she did. Since then... things have been even more rocky. 3 months passed and all we did was talk over the phone or send silly emails to each other. But then we got back together and decided to try this again.
Now... fast forwarding to the present day... he breaks it off by hanging up on me while he's drinking with his friends... and text messaging me 4 days later that he "wants be alone."
Bastard.
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